Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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