i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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