So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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