If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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