I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
