MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
