Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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