Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
