i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
