this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
