does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I have tasted many bathrooms
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
