if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
