My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Oh god it's open bar.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
