Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
jump out the window naked night went bad
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