i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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