I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
