I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
