Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
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