Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
