All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
