I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
