The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
