My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Randomize
