Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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