Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
