the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
