OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
