Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
