What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
