So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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