Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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