Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
