i wish my penis had a tongue
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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