I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Let's get the cat blown out
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
