I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
