i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Are we still banned from the library?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
