I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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