I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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