She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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