i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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