Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
