Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
