omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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