Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
