I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
