The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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