were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
