She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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