i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
we're so committed to being not committed
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
