it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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