I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
